Thursday, May 20, 2010

Learning and Losing Control

So, a few months I found myself very suddenly single, after almost 2 years of a relationship that pretty much absorbed my whole life. This has been an interesting experience so far, and I've been learning a lot about who I am and all of that fun stuff, but one thing has come up that I'm interested in talking about right now.

As it happens, currently everyone I've ever had penis-in-vagina sex with was a virgin before me. Those people are also the only ones I've ever let do much in the way of playing with me. Everyone else has been something that consisted mostly if not entirely of me performing oral sex on them. By and large, even with the guys I've had standard heterosexual intercourse with, I tend to take care of my own orgasms. This is made even more interesting given that in my new found singleness I'm very interested in hooking up with new people...but I'm still not interested in letting other people do things to me. I'm not sure what exactly this is, but it's manifesting itself as a desire to stay away from anyone who is not experienced already.

To some extent, this is probably good for me. There's something kind of strange about only having sex with virgins, and some weird feelings that go along with knowing they go on to have sex with other people. I also imagine I could learn a few things about the whole business from someone who has experience with other people, and that would be good. The problem seems to be that I like sex/related things to progress at my pace, and there's a rhythm of foreplay that I'm still very used to and that has been present with pretty much everyone I've ever been with (except possibly the ones who got blowjobs when I was drunk). I feel like it's a lot easier to say "this is how this progresses" with someone who has never been there before, especially because it seems that it may be a lot easier to just lead someone new than it is to direct someone who already has expectations.

Expectations are sort of the problem. With someone who has previous experience, I don't have any idea what they expect or what women they've actually been with are like. I'm very clear on what I like, but with someone with any experience I get confused because I don't know how to express that without worrying about hurt feelings, bruised egos, or just generally making everything strange. I also suppose you should compromise so you can both do things you like, but I'm frequently not very comfortable being out of control. More accurately, feeling like I'm not in control makes me a little panicky, and I'm often only able to feel out of control around people I trust much more deeply than I trust, well, most people. Somewhere between other people's expectations, and my dislike of being out of control, sex with someone who isn't a virgin becomes a sort of difficult concept for me.

I can't do anything about what other people expect or will do, in sex or otherwise, all I can do is make it clear what I want/don't want and what I need physically, emotionally, or whatever. Another thing I can do, and have really been learning to do, is deal with the fact that I'm not always in control, and remember that losing control is actually very fun sometimes. For me it's sorta like a roller coaster, I'm scared to death at the beginning and want to hold on to the control of being attached to the chain, and then it lets go and as soon as my breath comes back, it's among the most wonderful feelings ever. I think most of us could stand to be a little out of control sometimes. Sure, be clear about what you do and don't want and expect, no, demand who you're with listens to you when you say no (or whatever your word of choice is)...but for the most part, enjoy the ride.

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